Despair. What a powerful word. It empties your soul, just reading it.
Despair can be crippling for the writer. Nothing seems good enough, right? It’s not a casual observation. It chains your hands so you cannot type. If the impossibility of deshackling isn’t enough, then comes the why bothers? and the what’s the points?, dragging you down further into the abyss.
That’s how I’m feeling right now. It’s a struggle to keep concentration. Actually, scratch that. I can’t keep concentration. The best I can hope for right now is to snatch about 30 minutes of solid, zoned-in work. Mostly though, it’s 10 minutes here and there.
Maybe it’s the change of the seasons. Quite possibly, I need to drink more water. Water affects my mood considerably, I’ve found over the years. Guys aren’t usually the best at tuning into their own bodies. Maybe that’s a generalization. I’m not the best at tuning into my body. But I’m getting better. Water. Yes. I’ll go drink some more water. Maybe take that vitamin I keep forgetting to take, too. Should I put the bottle of vitamins next to the water to remind me of both?
Look. I’ve done it again. Disrailed myself from the task at hand. I don’t know if I’m going to post this. It’s raw, which is scary. But more than that, will this even help anyone, me blubbering like this? Blubbering is the wrong word. That suggests messy tears and heaving sobs. That’s not what’s happening to me. It’s like my motivation and verve and joy of writing has driven off the cliff. That’s a cliché, and I don’t even care. Have you ever been knocked down with an overwhelming feeling of dread so intense that you feel like you just can’t get up? Have you felt that with you’re writing? That’s where I am at the moment.
Things I’ve tried:
Just get on with it (works for the above-mentioned 10-30 minutes)
Edited photos. I find that taking a break from writing and being creative in other ways usually helps. I found an Adobe Darkroom replacement that I like, and I’m very happy with the results. But it hasn’t kickstarted any writing motivation.
Revived social media. Sort of. I posted one of the images to my Instagram – the first photo I’ve posted for like seven years or something. I have every intention of posting there more often. I have every intention…
Casted around for guests posts. That sometimes re-motivates me. Substack used to be so good at making connections between writers. Now, it overwhelms you with stuff that’s not relevant. And in irrelevant ways. Used to be, I went to “Home” and I’d see all my subscriptions there. Now, it goes to some sort of Substack Twitter feed. Trying to figure it all out leaves me even more demoralized, so I just shut it down.
Watched videos about editing photos. See above.
Tried to work on a long-term project I’m excited about. Yes, I really am excited about it! But even there, I stop before I get too far. Like just now. Just now, before I started spewing this into a new Word doc.
Tried to write my novel. This kind of represents everything that’s going on with me. I’m excited to write my novel. It’s been frustrating, trying to find the plot – something I’ve made no secret of. But I’m still enjoying it. I just can’t seem to do it at the moment.
Done house and yard work. Yeah, this needs done anyway, especially before the snow flies. I made some caps for the driveway gate columns, which is no small thing for “not that guy” me. I’m almost done some planter/post holders to string Christmas lights down the end of the driveway. Almost.
Talked to other writers. I’m always talking to other writers. Usually, I get inspired. I still am inspired. Just not motivated.
Walked. Continue to walk. Exercise is supposed to help, right? Wordsworth found inspiration in walking.
Sparked up the UV light. It’s getting darker now. It’s not all the way light when I get up to go to work. The sun is mostly gone by 7pm. These are the dark days. I’m a huge fan of our long, late sunsets, but the darkness of winter is not my friend. I’m not sure how much the UV light helps, to tell you the truth. But it’s not hurting.
Still not sure if I’m going to post this. If I do, it’s only to show that ragged mess we can all become. I’m not looking for sympathy; I want to show you what despair looks like so you can see that it’s normal and that most (every?) writer goes through it. Social media is too much Tequila Sunrises, and not enough tequila hangovers. Substack falls into that social media realm. I’m here mostly to show the shiny ideal, but I think there’s value in sometimes showing the raw real, too.
This post, then, is the tequila hangover.
But you know what? That’s okay. And look, I’ve typed non-stop for 846 words now. That’s a record, lately!
If I do post this, it will be mostly unedited. If I do post this, I’m going to leave it a raw, maybe confusing jumble. Because that’s what writing is sometimes. That’s what not writing is sometimes. The best we can do, maybe, is ride it out. Close the office door for a while. Take a vacation. Shut it down.
And drink more water.
~Graham
Addendum
I wrote this 10 days ago, knowing that I’d probably be better by now. I was mostly right. I can’t say I’ve got all my mojo back entirely yet, but I’m on the upswing. Ups and downs, right? Oh, and I drank more water. I’m drinking water right now, as a matter of fact.
As I mentioned in the post above, I’m not looking for sympathy. The main reason I didn’t want to post this was because I didn’t want it to come across as a cry for help or something. This thing I’ve turned into a post was just a way for me to wrestle down my own writing demons. But a good friend of mine encouraged me to post this to show other writers that this kind of creative despair is normal, and that you will come out the other end.
This is what being a writer looks like sometimes. It’s not all tequila sunrises!
Another thing I did to kickstart my writing mojo was to launch #GraNoWriMo, which has gone swimmingly well so far with many sign-ups and expressions of interest. My hope is that #GraNoWritMo energizes me through November — and that it energizes everyone who signs up.
If you’re looking to get some writing motivation and/or you’re missing NaNoWriMo, push the button below for #GraNoWriMo. You work on your own project (poems, essays, non-fiction — doesn’t have to be a novel), and you make up your own word count or other goals. Plus, you get a daily, inspiring email in your inbox throughout November.
All upswing and no downswing!
It’s the diminishing light that sets me off Graham, and I’m totally with you on these feelings.
Been there, avoided the work, done the work for x minutes or 100 words, despaired of the work, quit the work, started new work, hated that work, read the previous work, restarted previous work, abandoned work, went out and coiled up hoses and put the chairs into the woodshed for the season, reread previous work—“hey not bad”—repeat ad infinitum, with flourishes and embellishments and occasional moments of “FFS just send out something” and publications.